Oracles!

[jessipsaloquitur]

Sun/Virgo:
I can't believe I'm saying this, but doing lots of housework in the coming days could give you a big lift. At least for now, organizing the clutter and cleaning up a hundred little messes in your home could directly or indirectly lead to improved health, interesting developments in your sex life, and upgrades in your relationship to future work possibilities. It might even free up psychic energy that has been stuck, help you rediscover an important thing you thought you'd lost, and remind you to take better care of a crucial connection you've been taking for granted.

I have to admit, I'm hard pressed to see the connection between mopping my floor and an improved sex life. In any event, this is the week that my house gets scrubbed clean by the lovely woman who gets paid to do that, but it strikes me that the lesson might be lost by hiring out the work. Perhaps I'll find a closet or two to organize.

Moon/Picses:
If you're a man, your penis just might grow bigger in the coming weeks. If you're a woman, your ability to experience profound and poetic emotions will deepen. No matter what gender you are, your capacity for orgasmic pleasure could increase. And this is just a fraction of the advances that are potentially in the offing for your tribe. Buoyant cosmic energies are surging within you, enhancing everything related to your joy and vitality and confidence. It's as if your animal intelligence is getting a boost from a divine form of lust; as if you're tapping into a source of high-octane energy that originates in God's libido.

I don't think I've ever read a horoscope that foretold an increased penis size. *blinks*

Rising/Libra:
This would be a good time for you to drink cups of coffee that are half decaffeinated and half caffeinated. And to become more curious and proactive about every one of your love-hate relationships. And to say yes and no in the same breath, and practice patting your head while rubbing your stomach, and embrace your contradictions with big-hearted inclusiveness. I'll even go so far as to suggest that you may be able to sit very comfortably on the fence as you have your cake and eat it too.

Ah. Paradox.

Horroscope courtesy of Rob Brezsny's Free Will Astrology.